....

SO I am coming to the conclusion that my life is becoming a delema. 
Yes I am serious.... okay I might be dramatizing just a little bit, but seriously. I feel like a puddle that wants to some how get to the ocean but will never get big enough to flow.
What does God want of me?  What do I want of myself?

I want to be passiontate about something like I see other people be.   Everyone one I know is passionate about something .. I feel so lukewarm in everything.
 Christin and Morgan are passionate about their instruments that they play... not a day goes by that they don't play them or at least think of them.   Shannon is passionate about running and soccer, Bailey is great with the drums, Stephanie is passionate about marriage ( she as informed me that she will be getting ingaged in ... was it this August .. don't mention that I said that ;)  ).... Angela is just passionate about life in general.
Basically... I want to be sure of what I want... I want to want something. I want to know what I want. I want to be able to throw myself into something that I am happy doing and that I don't feel burdened by.  I know that I love horses but I guess I am looking for something else... I want something that I can't quit put my finger on.     Well... I guess what I really want to be passionate about is my Faith.   Passionate about God.  I want to want to love Him with my whole heart.  I want to want to Pursue Him with everything in me... but to be totally honest... I am afraid of what he will do.... I am afraid of I will not do.  You read stories of the lives of the saints and other people who have accomplished to the best of their ability loving God with their whole hearts.  I want to make Christ as happy as they did but I am so selfish with myself.  I keep thinking that "being holy isn't that fun"  but I am so wrong ... that is a temptation from satan. ... Just look at the saints... they were so happy.   Happy, helping others, whether it was with food, clothing. Whether it was helping the sick or others needing physical help or it was in the quit of a monestary praying for the body of Christ and the whole world.    They pursued Christ..... I want to do that.. but it is so hard sometimes and yet... it is often so simple.    Just one step at a time I guess..... I just have to make sure that I am not taking one step forward and two steps back.
As Coldplay says in their song "The Scientist"  "Nobody said is was easy, no one ever said that it would be so hard"




Well.. I have done my venting for day.    Now I will go and organize my room, cleaning up school notebooks, papers and books of all kinds, make my bed of course, hang up clothes in my closet that are hanging of my lamp right now, dust my dusty dresser and all that other good stuff... I will probably vacuum my room as well sometime today.   I hope I can get a scrap-book page done today. 
I was thinking yesterday that I should be like the Millers and change my room around some just for a little change.... Well I looked around and found that the room's furniture was already in the most logical and pleasant place.  I guess I will just have to be content with a clean room as my change.


  Remember to always pray for me especially as I discern about what Vocation that God has placed in my heart.   I pray for both of you girls everyday at mass and unit myself to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, present in the Eucharist, so that we can be close.


I love you
God bless you
Your sister in Christ
~Guin~